Is that you in the mirror?

One of the things I find quite interesting about my growth is that I actually view myself differently in the mirror.  For as long as I can remember, I never thought much of myself and at times, it was even difficult to look at myself in the mirror. Now, I can actually see myself as a handsome gentleman and can admit that to myself. What a difference.
  It is not an arrogance; it is a confidence that is rather calming. To know that you are someone with value and that you do have so much to offer, it gives great satisfaction to know that person whom you really knew you were, is finally starting to come to life.
I want to tell everyone I meet. Not to brag about myself, but telling the story of how far I have come, I only want to inspire others. And each time I tell the story, it re-inspires me.
I can only think that when Jesus told his disciples to go out and spread the word, that's what I feel like doing with my story. And I can't help but to think that's what he meant, too. Don't go out and tell people to believe in him. That you MUST believe in him for eternal life. But more like go out and tell others your story. Tell them how this new realization has put you on a path of life. A path of Strength and a path of renewal. It really is like being born again.
  My wish is that this post could be read by millions of people who might need one little push to get them to the point in their life where they are ready, and ready to make a change. Sit down and look deep into their lives and commit to becoming intimate with their spirituality and with who they really are. That will definitely change the course of the world.

Telling My Story

Right now, it's late. I really have a difficult time composing my thoughts and writing a sensible sentence. However, telling the story of my journey these last  8 months or so is always invigorating. It always seems to bring life back into me.
I feel that when telling people, it inspires them as well as re-inspires me. This only makes me want to shout it more. There is no doubt in my mind I am a different person. AND I can see myself growing on a regular basis. Sometimes it happens in one day and other times it's a few days but I can see the passion and growth continue to inspire me.
A good friend of mine asked me a question about my therapist. She has a friend who lives in another country and was seeing a therapist and felt great strides in personal development. However, after not seeing her therapist in a while and not having access to that same therapist, she felt that she had reverted back to that same person.
I can 100 percent assure you that I will never go back to that old John. If something were to happen to my therapist, would it be tragic? Yes. However, I will never go back. The reason is because I was the one who made these strides. Did my therapist help? Absolutely. There were many issues I had that quite possibly I would have never seen; but my therapist didn't tell me, he helped me discover them. Fortunately, he is smart enough to know that. Was he able to point me in the right direction? That is clearly true. But just as you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink. In this same way, I had to see it for myself. Receiving validation from a trained professional is certainly quite helpful but no amount of therapy or should I say no amount of talk from a therapist can make me feel as good about myself as I have come to discover.
I actually see myself differently in the mirror. Before I used to say that I was just average and what is it that people see in this face? Now, I can believe that I am handsome and am thankful for that and do not take that for granted. (okay, I have to admit that I will try and use it to my advantage).
Finally, I know that in the very near future, I will be able to inspire others, continue to inspire myself and get paid for it as my profession. The perfect job.

A "religious" experience

Confusion sometimes is comforting. Okay, this does need a little bit of explanation.
Many times, the chase is the most fun of the entire challenge. Once you have completed it, what is left? After you have worked hard for something and finally achieved it, what is your next step?
Similarly, we go through life wanting life to get better. Whatever we do, we want to grow and become a better person; better at what we do and enjoy life in many ways. However, sometimes knowing the problem means fixing it. For discussion's sake, let's say that you are aware there is a problem but can't quite put your finger on what it is. Once you finally do, then something needs to be done about it. Thus, knowing there is a problem but not quite TRULY finding out what it is, we are in a quest, so to speak, to find the problem. The quest, no matter how exciting or dull, helps keep us in the chase. This "confusion" keeps us searching and we tell ourselves we are "trying" and as long as we don't find it, we won't have to do something about it. Our lives continue in one big confused pursuit.
Is this confusing or what?
When your life is spent pleasing others or doing as you think others would expect you to do, this way of life is almost normal. The thing to remember about living your life this way is that you give up the responsibility. It is very easy particularly for those involved in religion. The thought of getting to Heaven becomes first and foremost in everything you do. Who else better knows what you need to do than your "religious" leaders. When you are told what to do by a shepherd or a "man of God", then if something doesn't work out, obviously God intended it to happen that way and you become "okay" with the outcome. Without realizing it -- or let's say knowing it on a very small level but not wanting to face it, the responsibility is given up. This was the biggest problem which I had to face. Down deep inside, I knew that I was giving up the responsibility. But it didn't matter as long as I was doing the "will of God".
This has all changed. I am responsible for my outcome. Yes, even though I was given, taught, fed - whatever term you'd like to insert - a lot of bad information, I now realize that I am responsible and need to work this through. Ironically, the freedom I have gained through finding and working on these issues is like a "religious" experience. I can say that with a HUGE smile on my face.

The lights get brighter

Have you ever attended an outdoor sporting event at night when suddenly the lights went off? Someone races to turn them back on but because of their technology, it takes them a while to get bright. At first, the lights are very dim and you can see them gradually get brighter. At one point, the lights are bright enough so vision is clear but the lights aren't fully illuminating. Then after a few minutes it dawns on you that the lights are totally on and the playing field is bright.
That is a very good description of how the awareness of my "shame filter" was revealed. The interesting thing is that I had been talking about shame and the problem of self-worth for at least 3 or 4 months. However during my last session in February, the lights finally turned on. I could see how this shame-based thinking (what I like to call the shame filter) affected EVERYTHING I perceived. I felt so liberated and realized that I needed to continue to see how it showed up in my life. That was on a Friday night and by Sunday,  the lights got brighter and then by Tuesday, I realized they were shinning as bright as ever.
Not only was I seeing how it showed up in my life, but also was observing it in other people. Seeing it that way, without any type of judgement or prejudice helped me see it better in my life.
The interesting thing was that during my session, after the big revelation came, I said to my therapist. I just want to get past it. What do I need to do. And he told me the first step to healing is awareness. After I became so fully aware - and believe me, everything I did I saw the shame filter working - it was only a matter of days before my actions began to change. And thankfully, I saw the shame filter in other areas of my life as well.
That is really the amazing thing. When your awareness of your own actions causes you to make better and stronger decisions. That is real change. Something that I have rarely had occur throughout my entire life.

Freedom

Throughout this past week and a half, I have felt tremendous personal growth. It all started from my last session when I finally realized what was holding me back. If you have ever been at a stadium when the lights get turned on, first they start out very dim and get brighter and brighter. Soon you realize, after the fact that the lights are full strength and it is quite bright. This is how I felt last Friday. When the lights came on – or when I realized about this “shame filter”, I could more easily see. Only after a couple days, the lights were even brighter and I didn’t even notice it until after the fact.

I was wondering what I was going to do to “change” or correct this “shame filter”. In fact, after listening to my tape, I was the one that suggested I see how it shows up in my life and how it affected me. By Monday, my behavior was already being modified. Just the fact that when you get angry about how your poor judgment affected what went on in your life, this anger lets you know that if you act the same way, you certainly know what is down the road ahead for you.

The interesting thing is that I have been watching the shame filter show up in other folks. Now, not being a professional, I don’t say anything unless it comes up in conversation but seeing how it shows up in them only confirms to myself that I don’t want to be or act that way.

I have decided to greatly reduce my self-deprecating humor. I find that nearly every time someone goes to compliment me, my mind quickly races to find some witty and self-degrading reply.  I found myself yesterday and today, starting to go that direction and then stopping myself. Today, I was on the phone with a contractor back East. I did use the self-deprecating humor however, it was kind of fitting for the phone call and the humor broke up the situation which is what I like in a call. But what I am glad about it was I saw that I was doing it and was okay with it for that particular instance.

I have felt that my confidence has had a huge jump since this last session as well. I find myself carrying my shoulders back more often and am actually beginning to see myself handsome in the mirror where I never did that much before.

I also have decided that I am not looking for a relationship and am dating for casual purposes only. I saw on Saturday how I was still having shame based thinking with just about all my relationships with women I have met. It’s time to change that. Yes, I will continue to be a gentleman but it’s time for some raw passion. Time for me to share myself, express myself and be great with myself for experiencing and giving these experiences. I am a fun person and need to break out of my shell.

I also feel like this new found freedom is just the beginning to open the flood gates in my business. Again, I feel free. On Sunday I shared my experience with someone and actually could see myself, “empowering her to do more than what she thought she believed she could do”. This was my first real experience of what it would be like to be that person and also do it as a profession. I didn’t get paid but I could see how that would definitely be worth a lot of money.

For the last 3 sessions, the flood gates seem to be opening wider and wider. I can’t wait to see what happens this week.

How Can You Be, Two

Having the opportunity to "discover" who you really are is something that most people never take the time to realize.. It seems such a shame to say that, but if you think about it, most of us are caught up in the day to day routine, simply trying to survive. Even people who have made it financially, so to speak. They can focus on making more money to have the income stream to afford the lifestyle they have; never really taking the time to focus on what their inner soul was intended.
Whether or not their is a supreme source that planned our intention, discovering and contemplating that purpose isn't something that naturally occurs within us in our everyday lives. If we skip back 5 or 6 generations, we might consider that our fore-parents survival was based more on tomorrow's meal rather than career. The farther we go back and try to imagine what our fore-parents lives were like, the simpler it gets - at least in one way. Life gets less complicated but survival becomes more difficult. As human history moves forward, life seems to become more complicated yet less worrisome about survival. Has this evolution caused us, by nature, to be less in tune with ourselves?
Isn't it ironic? Life, as we move forward, becomes more and more convenient yet when we get caught up in it, so to speak, we spend less time being intimate with who we are. It is simple. If someone asks you who or what you are, many tend to define themselves by what they do. I am not a salesman. I, John Dunia, am someone who can empower others to do more that what they thought they could believe. Fortunately, I have known this for a long time and now I have the ability to explore that person, grow that person and the end goal is to continue to be more that person. If that person becomes my job on which I can earn an abundant living, one cannot ask for a better profession. That, of course, is an honor which I should embrace and be thankful for.

How can you be?

Everyone is always saying, "just be who you are". Or I am who I am and don't try to change me. Have you ever really sat down and wondered who you are? Someone with more meditative experience than I should answer this upcoming question but can you meditate on who you are? 

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the mountain and the main reason was to contemplate the shame that had continued for most of my 54 years. Some - and very little of that time - was spent thinking on who I am. In fact, I truly believe that the "blame filter" just about every time, doesn't want me to see who I am. It will loose all of the power.

Today though was a very unique experience for me. I spent about an hour with a designer/client of mine and much of our conversation was on a personal level - on both of our behalves. It's easy to see now when people have some very small level of shame filter (it really is more of a self-confidence filter but the shame filter is its foundation) and we were discussing it about both of ourselves. Talking about my situation to just about anyone, is always revealing things to me. They are coming so fast there is no way for me to track it all. I just "take it all in". 

The object is to be okay with yourself, in many ways. Don't let the negative times have more power by allowing them to pull you down even further. Embrace yourself and move on. All of us can be happy with ourselves when things are going right but when things are tough and we may be spending too much time doing the wrong thing, just accept it and move on. Discover ways of how you can hinder yourself from doing or spending time on the wrong thing. It's a little more complicated than that and I'll try and cover the rest of it tomorrow.

I know how William Wallace feels

In the movie "Bravehart" during the scene in which William Wallace is put to death, Mel Gibson portrays his final moments with many difficult emotions. But the final word - as the sword comes down upon his neck - he shouts is FREEDOM! That is exactly how I felt today. 

No doubt I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past months. Being a typically positive person, I can convince myself that even when things are tough, it's always for my growth and good. I have to admit, these last few weeks have been difficult and yesterday, I attended a seminar which at the end, I could feel a sense of a great change coming. This feeling was somewhat exciting but the excitement was overshadowed by the fear and anxiety. 

Today I had another session with Shannon and as always, it starts off with me talking about some of the insights I had seen since the last session. The conversation circled around to the shame under which I grew up most of my life.  The previous week, we had talked about certain events that happened in my life and how I was made to feel ashamed when it wasn't deserved in the least. I had reviewed that tape several times since that session and  spent a lot of time "kicking" those times around. (Kicking or putting it in the can and kicking it around is a term he uses to get me to think and ponder about things) However, in today's session, it was revealed to me that my shame which I had suffered most of my life was a filter by which I viewed everything first. Shame is one of the most difficult feelings to overcome. Not only does it leave you with hardly any self confidence, it creates a filter, as it were or a system by which one process just about everything he or she sees or perceives. Those with a shame-based thinking use that way of thinking to interpret just about everything in their life. Because shame will tell you that you are not worthy, everything goes through that filter and many times, we sabotage ourselves or that filter will convince us to sabotage ourselves to fulfill it's prophecy.of degradation.

Sometime, near the end of my session, I realized that my shame filter was the cause of everything negative in my life and now that I finally see it, I can see the first step to my healing is finally on its way.

I just want to go out on the mountaintop and shout FREEDOM!

Rage against the injustice

Let's face it. We all get angry at times and during that time of anger, we don't question being angry. Our emotions take over and anger is displayed. Right now, I don't want to talk about the different levels of HOW they are displayed, I want to talk about what happens when the anger is over. Many don't like the fact that we get angry. It shows a side of ourselves that can be ugly and one we don't like showing.
I for one, am not so sure that should be the case.
Strange, isn't it? We are taught that showing anger is not good behavior. It shows things about us that we don't want shown. However, I think that is a good thing. I think there are MANY things in our lives that we don't want shown and we don't want to visit them. I had this same experience.
When I wrote the poem - displayed a few posts back - I was up at Mt. Charleston doing a lot of soul searching and introspection. One of the things my therapist asked me to do was to  revisit my childhood and go back think about some of these times when I was made to feel shameful. It was hard for me to remember MANY occasions when this occurred. But I didn't want to spend a lot of time thinking about them. They weren't happy times and I thought I had worked past them. In the session following my trip to the mountain, I asked my therapist why it was important to visit these events. Can't I just see them for what they were then accept the fact that there is nothing I can do about them now and as I said in my poem, just "dismiss them"?
What transpired next was very interesting. My therapist began asking me questions.  I told him a story about an event that happened in the summer before ninth grade. This particular event, I feel, ruined any chances for me to be a leader in high school. (This may sound odd that one event could do that but I will need to explain that in several posts which will happen in the future.) As I told the story, I got louder and louder and there was definitely anger in my voice. When I finished, my therapist pointed out to me how angry I was and that was important. Growing up, I was not able to express my anger at any injustice. I was not even able to express anything that I felt was wrong. I was taught that suppressing it was right. However, along with that came confusion because when you think you are doing the right thing but then you get punished for doing it, what else can happen but confusion?
So why is this anger good? It shows a side of me that I don't like seeing. How could that be good? We will tackle that in my next post.

When anger is good

As I journey through my healing process, sometimes I make assumptions about things and I don't always know that it's true. Coming from a mind set of always seeking the right thing to do from someone else, I find myself wanting to discover answers for myself. Even if I make the wrong assumptions in the beginning, -I- want to make that discovery and if I find that I am wrong, I will change the answer.
Lately, I have gotten very angry when I think about incidents in my life where I was made to feel ashamed of myself and I should have never been made to feel that way. There is one particular instance where I felt that I did the right thing yet still, I was not only chastised  for it. Let me explain.
We were at Summer Camp and there was a large room, very similar to a locker room where we took showers. I was in there with other friends and for some reason, which I cannot remember, I started singing "Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match", from Fiddler on the Roof. So my friend handed me a match which he had in his pocket. The floor was wet so I rubbed the match head on the floor to render the match harmless. I struck it and to my surprise it lit so I walked over to the sink, turned the water on and put it out. Well, someone told on me and the next day, I got REAMED. What was I trying to do, burn down the forest? (Mind you, nothing was said to the boy who had the match). I was very confused because the man who was reaming me, I thought he was the oracle of God and every word out of his mouth came straight from God. I was confused. I must have been in the wrong, how could I have done such a thing.
Shame and confusion. I look back at that now and get very angry. I feel like that incident was the beginning of what was to be my demise, so to speak throughout high school. I was always a leader and my peers respected me. That was not to be during high school.
There will be other stories like these but these make me angry. So what is good about this anger? When you can see how this effected you, you can make sure that this type of behavior does not reoccur - at least in you. I don't want to remain angry. I don't want this to be a stumbling block that I cannot get over and cause me additional grief. All of this anger has helped me not be so passive about the way I am treated. It helps me stand up for myself and what I believe in. There very well may be more but as for now, that's my story and I"m sticking to it.

The Healing Process

After my trip on Saturday to Mt. Charleston, I did not want to wait long to share the experience with my therapist. My meeting was on Monday.
We talked about the experience and some difficulties I had the day before and after about 15 minutes, I asked him, Why is it important to see where all of the shame comes from?
Before I answer that, I want to share one thought first. I have been to two therapists and my first experience was not very good. However, my second one seems to me, miraculous. So when things open up for me, is he just really good, lucky or a little bit of both? Here's why.
He didn't answer my question directly. What he did was ask me questions about the shame and hurt. Questions were asked about particular instances (which I will go over in another post) and how that made me feel. My answers soon became louder and I was agitated. Especially when I saw how limiting they were to me, who I was and my possibilities.
My question was answered alright. But I had to "experience" the answer, as it were, rather than have it be explained. It certainly was much more effective. My conclusion was this: if one has a sore or cut on the leg but does not know that it's there, proper treatment won't be applied. The sore continues to get worse. Once it is discovered, treatment can be applied so it can begin to heal.
My healing process definitely started before last Monday and now I can understand why I need to see where and what was the basis of all this hurt.

A Poem

On Saturday, I spent the day at Mount Charleston which - believe it or not - is a ski resort outside of Las Vegas. I went there to reflect on my life and some issues I have been discussing with my therapist. Having the whole day by yourself can be nearly difficult to deal with, just simply you and your thoughts. While I was there, I wrote a poem that reflected one of my big struggles. The poem is below. It usually takes me a while to write a poem of this length but the inspiration was well overdue and the final outcome helped me sort things through. I would like your comments: The tree I am talking about is at the bottom.

The Mountain

I took a glance at this lonely tree

And when I looked closely, what did I see?

Its bark had withered, its branches the same

But it still grew tall because it had no shame

What did it do to be shameful about?

It caused no harm nor created any doubt

Its purpose in life was clearly to be

Simply one thing; a beautiful tree

It stood there proudly on the cold mountain top

Without ever wondering if anything would make it stop

For how long it was there I had no way to know

And for how long, it would continue to grow

As long as it had purpose in life to be

And I felt at that moment, the same as the tree

There’s no reason (at all) to continue with shame

I wasn’t born in this world with doubt or blame

Somewhere in my journey, I learned how to add

Blame, guilt, sabotage and that I was bad

After these long years of blame and self-doubt

Now is the time to realize I can live, truly live without

All of these notions I’m not worthy enough

That hinder my way and make my journey tough

So the time is now to look at myself plainly

And realize I’m worthy to live life more sainly

Get out from the past, move forward right now

Put away all blame with a solemn vow

I choose from this day that when I do have a choice

I will take the step and speak with stern voice

And not let others or circumstanced provide

The answers to life which I will now decide

When guilt or shame tries to rear its ugly head

I will dismiss it quite firmly as though it were dead

I am worthy of great things to come

I will gladly accept wherever they’re from

What life has to give me and what’s still in store

I am now worthy and open for more

For the last time I gaze at that tree

Wondering now what life has for me

With a tear in my eye and a big smile on my face

I will live to my fullest touched by the tree’s grace

The Opponent

Sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. As I continue with my own self-discovery and my commitment to be more open on this blog, I once again report some very personal things in this post.Today I helped my son by cosigning for him on a credit application. We were texting back and forth and here is some of our conversation. It starts off with my son giving me the good news.

Son: Got approved, thank you so much

Me: Awesome

Son: You are a life saver

Me: Isn't that what dads are supposed to do? At least now I’m in a position where I can help and glad to.

Son: Seriously, I can’t thank you enough. I am overwhelmed right now.

Me: It’s okay, I wish I could have been more overwhelming so to speak when you guys were younger.

Son: Man, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You were everything to us.

 Last week at my therapy session, we were discussing personal intimacy. At first I was perplexed and after I was asked about how I feel about myself, I commented I am very hard on myself. My therapist replied, "you are BRUTAL on yourself"

This has been a really, really odd, strange and enlightening week. Most of the time, I have been down but I think it’s the fact that I am seeing and learning so much about myself. I really am brutal on myself and don’t even see to the smallest extent how much. I am convinced that is why I am not as successful financially as I could be because I am not only beating myself up, but telling myself I am not worthy and proving it by sabotaging myself in ways that I don’t even see.

This Saturday, I am spending the day at Mt. Charleston. It will be a day of introspection. I am going to take my notebook (recorder) and a pad of paper. I want to really discover why I am so brutal on myself. I am pretty sure I can see when it all started but what I’m not sure of is how to break the cycle. I feel like asking my therapist for help but I really believe that the answer is buried deep inside me and the best way for me to break the cycle is to find that answer myself. I know it’s there and I know that will be the beginning of success for me, not just financial but in every aspect of my intimate relationships.

I will be listening to my last session, writing down questions and thinking deeply about the answers. I have already written one page of notes; mainly the questions that I need to answer, because there are more questions than why am I so brutal on myself.

I am excited and somewhat scared for this Saturday. I must face it head on or revert back to the ways of default John and accept that way of life. Okay, that won’t happen.  

When the Going gets tough

Even when you have everyone on your side and you set your mind to be positive, there are difficult times. Typically, once you get through them, you can always look back and see the situation much more clearly than when you went through it, however that's the time you need to be strong. When you are going through it. Those are the times when badly thought out decisions are made.
Playing arm-chair quarter back or looking back at the situation is always easier. Making the tough decision or the decision that will help you succeed - especially when you are clouded by challenging and emotionally disturbing thoughts - that is exactly when you need to be tough and make the well-thought out choice.
I told you I was going to be a little more personal with these posts so I might as well start now. Today started out fine but it always seems to end up rough at the end of the day. I am home alone, save for my three cats and have work to finish up. There was an event that I didn't go to tonight because I had to finish my work.
Just before sitting down to write this post, I was really feeling distraught and wanted to just shut everything down, brush my teeth and go to bed. For me, when I am depressed, I tend to get sleepy. I think it is an escape mechanism for me (sure beats escaping with alcohol or drugs!).
Sitting down to write this blog helped somewhat. Maybe it's just the idea of a remote possibility of helping someone that made me feel better. Whatever the case, I'll have to remember that because it sure beats curling up into a ball and not accomplishing anything.

Why Not?

  I wish I could be so bold to say that anyone who goes through a transition and growth period in his or her life MUST experience certain things. I can only speak from my own experience but it certainly makes logical sense the everyone goes through certain steps.

  It's amazing to think how far I have come and still see how far I need to go. Since last Thursday, it seems challenges have been coming my way faster than before. Certain insights about me are becoming more glaring. The interesting thing is that just about every issue that becomes a major factor and need for change, at one time or another in the past, I made myself aware of it. I just didn't want to recognize the severity of the problem or  in some cases, convince myself it wasn't a problem.

  Up to now, I have been somewhat vague with the details of the issues. Having them out here in cyberspace, it makes you feel almost naked. However, there is good news. Putting them out here, in print, in cyberspace, it tells the world, so to speak, of your issues and you either do something about them or not. Why not do something about them. Really. What does one have to lose? There is so much more to gain.

  You know what that means; time for me to be a little more forthcoming on some of these challenging issues I've had to face.

One Day At a Time

I have grown to typically despise trite sayings and especially phrases people use to "nutshell"  particular situations. Take for instance the title of this post; "One Day At a Time". It fits into the category of trite phrases but this one has particular meaning to me (which I will touch on in a bit).
Not being much of a rebel in my youth, I act at my rebellion in a strange way and that is by playing Devil's advocate. Especially when I hear these "catch all" phrases. My mind immediately tries to figure out or invent  situations that will contradict that particular phrase. (Ok, not quite as exciting as sneaking out of a window at night, but it will do for now).
However, "one day at a time:, especially for me, is very appropriate. There are times when I feel immensely successful for days or even weeks. There are other times where I get discouraged and/or depressed. Hence, one day at a time is very appropriate.
The key to being happy is allowing yourself to be okay when you are a little depressed or discouraged. It happens to everyone. It is one of those little things we can't avoid unless for some reason, you are not a member of the human race. Accept that it is okay for you to feel that way AND get some positive help from a friend. That seems to be one of the best ways to get out of that slump of depression or discouragement.
It is certainly much easier said than done, however take it a day at a time (Did I say that?) It helps.

What's the problem?

For a person to want to change, first of all he or she has to want to change. There is no need for change if there is no idea that there is a problem (hence the expression, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it). In my case, I really wanted to change. There was a need and a desire for change. My biggest problem was I didn't know what the problem was. How could I possibly change if I wasn't aware of what to change?
Ok, the truth of the matter is that down deep inside, I had an idea of what the problem was but I didn't want to admit it. There is no way that after 20 years, these particular types of feelings could be true. How could I have been that kind of a person? There must be some other issues that are (or were) the cause.
When I am honest with myself, I can remember having certain thoughts that weren't very positive about my marriage. I kept denying them saying to myself it wasn't so. Realizing these issues DO exist is not easy to accept. It takes a lot of soul searching, introspection and a desire to change to accept that you really were that way.
It also is a TREMENDOUS aid to have a skilled professional help clarify the issues. Someone who will help point out things in your life. Ultimately you will need to decide if they are true. However, years and years of convincing yourself they were not a problem, will hide and cloud these issues and make them extremely difficult to come out and accept.

A New Beginning - Understanding Yourself

How many times have you heard the phrase - or something similar to it - "Just be yourself". Allow me to expand some and add a few more catch phrases. "You have to love yourself before you can love others". "Only you know what you really want". "It doesn't matter what everyone else does, do what you want". There are plenty more and feel free to add some into the comments.

Many times when you have an opportunity to "be yourself", there is something that constrains or tempers how far you can go. If you really enjoy walking around in your house with no clothes on and that is "who you are", there are laws  that prohibit you from doing so. In and of itself, there is nothing inherently wrong with striding around in the buff. If there really were something "wrong" with it, then we wouldn't shower naked. 

The point of this example is to explain how certain things or events change are actions; they sometimes change who we are at that moment. Now imagine that a person has constructed a HUGE list of laws, regulations and rules. They are all self imposed and based on how he or she thinks others expect them to live (be or act). This is what I touched on yesterday. Without really sitting down and contriving this list, I did it as my way of being. I reasoned as best I could, these rules on which to base my life. The rules ruled over my emotions and my thoughts. For me, it didn't matter how I felt or what I thought. My intention was, through these rules, to figure out how I supposed others wanted me to act (feel, think, believe so on)

It's important to remember that I didn't consciously sit down and make this list. It evolved over time. Some through my own conjecture and some by doing the wrong thing, paying the consequences and adjusting my rules. Now try and imagine that anytime you didn't act the way you should, you were in danger of going to Hell. That adds a WHOLE new dimension, doesn't it? 

A New Beginning 

At my age, most people have had an idea what they like. What is it that they enjoy and what really makes them happy. At least I say, most "normal' people know.Of course, "normal" is a relative term and if it comes down to it, there is no one "normal" person, however, being "yourself" typically is not the issue.
However, try spending ninety percent of your life trying to be someone that you think someone else expects you to be. That is a tough one. Revisit that sentence again: trying to be someone that YOU THINK - this is the real difference - that SOMEONE ELSE expects you to be.
People aren't handing a a book and saying, "This is how you should be". You are thinking, "I believe this is how they want be to be". So when it is revealed to you that you are incorrect, you go about wondering again how you should be.
If that isn't already complicated enough, add to it not only who you are supposed to be, but how you should act, feel, think and believe. Being this way is your ticket to heaven!
It is quite a fascinating predicament. How you are to (1) Be, (2) Act, (3) Feel, (4) Think, (5) Believe. It's easy to see now why you never are yourself and can get lost in trying to find who you are.
As I understand blogging a little better, these posts will be more fun to read but there are two objectives here. One is to see first hand, a person discovering himself for the very first time and living the process with him. The other is that it will help a reader realize there is much he or she has been missing and help discover life as well.
I have been given a great gift; and that is to have an opportunity to discover who I am. Sure most people live a life being themselves but do they really ever get a chance at really knowing who they are? Having a deeper and more intimate relationship with their spirituality and emotional self. This is where my journey, at age 53, began.