The Opponent

Sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. As I continue with my own self-discovery and my commitment to be more open on this blog, I once again report some very personal things in this post.Today I helped my son by cosigning for him on a credit application. We were texting back and forth and here is some of our conversation. It starts off with my son giving me the good news.

Son: Got approved, thank you so much

Me: Awesome

Son: You are a life saver

Me: Isn't that what dads are supposed to do? At least now I’m in a position where I can help and glad to.

Son: Seriously, I can’t thank you enough. I am overwhelmed right now.

Me: It’s okay, I wish I could have been more overwhelming so to speak when you guys were younger.

Son: Man, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You were everything to us.

 Last week at my therapy session, we were discussing personal intimacy. At first I was perplexed and after I was asked about how I feel about myself, I commented I am very hard on myself. My therapist replied, "you are BRUTAL on yourself"

This has been a really, really odd, strange and enlightening week. Most of the time, I have been down but I think it’s the fact that I am seeing and learning so much about myself. I really am brutal on myself and don’t even see to the smallest extent how much. I am convinced that is why I am not as successful financially as I could be because I am not only beating myself up, but telling myself I am not worthy and proving it by sabotaging myself in ways that I don’t even see.

This Saturday, I am spending the day at Mt. Charleston. It will be a day of introspection. I am going to take my notebook (recorder) and a pad of paper. I want to really discover why I am so brutal on myself. I am pretty sure I can see when it all started but what I’m not sure of is how to break the cycle. I feel like asking my therapist for help but I really believe that the answer is buried deep inside me and the best way for me to break the cycle is to find that answer myself. I know it’s there and I know that will be the beginning of success for me, not just financial but in every aspect of my intimate relationships.

I will be listening to my last session, writing down questions and thinking deeply about the answers. I have already written one page of notes; mainly the questions that I need to answer, because there are more questions than why am I so brutal on myself.

I am excited and somewhat scared for this Saturday. I must face it head on or revert back to the ways of default John and accept that way of life. Okay, that won’t happen.