The Opponent

Sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. As I continue with my own self-discovery and my commitment to be more open on this blog, I once again report some very personal things in this post.Today I helped my son by cosigning for him on a credit application. We were texting back and forth and here is some of our conversation. It starts off with my son giving me the good news.

Son: Got approved, thank you so much

Me: Awesome

Son: You are a life saver

Me: Isn't that what dads are supposed to do? At least now I’m in a position where I can help and glad to.

Son: Seriously, I can’t thank you enough. I am overwhelmed right now.

Me: It’s okay, I wish I could have been more overwhelming so to speak when you guys were younger.

Son: Man, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You were everything to us.

 Last week at my therapy session, we were discussing personal intimacy. At first I was perplexed and after I was asked about how I feel about myself, I commented I am very hard on myself. My therapist replied, "you are BRUTAL on yourself"

This has been a really, really odd, strange and enlightening week. Most of the time, I have been down but I think it’s the fact that I am seeing and learning so much about myself. I really am brutal on myself and don’t even see to the smallest extent how much. I am convinced that is why I am not as successful financially as I could be because I am not only beating myself up, but telling myself I am not worthy and proving it by sabotaging myself in ways that I don’t even see.

This Saturday, I am spending the day at Mt. Charleston. It will be a day of introspection. I am going to take my notebook (recorder) and a pad of paper. I want to really discover why I am so brutal on myself. I am pretty sure I can see when it all started but what I’m not sure of is how to break the cycle. I feel like asking my therapist for help but I really believe that the answer is buried deep inside me and the best way for me to break the cycle is to find that answer myself. I know it’s there and I know that will be the beginning of success for me, not just financial but in every aspect of my intimate relationships.

I will be listening to my last session, writing down questions and thinking deeply about the answers. I have already written one page of notes; mainly the questions that I need to answer, because there are more questions than why am I so brutal on myself.

I am excited and somewhat scared for this Saturday. I must face it head on or revert back to the ways of default John and accept that way of life. Okay, that won’t happen.  

When the Going gets tough

Even when you have everyone on your side and you set your mind to be positive, there are difficult times. Typically, once you get through them, you can always look back and see the situation much more clearly than when you went through it, however that's the time you need to be strong. When you are going through it. Those are the times when badly thought out decisions are made.
Playing arm-chair quarter back or looking back at the situation is always easier. Making the tough decision or the decision that will help you succeed - especially when you are clouded by challenging and emotionally disturbing thoughts - that is exactly when you need to be tough and make the well-thought out choice.
I told you I was going to be a little more personal with these posts so I might as well start now. Today started out fine but it always seems to end up rough at the end of the day. I am home alone, save for my three cats and have work to finish up. There was an event that I didn't go to tonight because I had to finish my work.
Just before sitting down to write this post, I was really feeling distraught and wanted to just shut everything down, brush my teeth and go to bed. For me, when I am depressed, I tend to get sleepy. I think it is an escape mechanism for me (sure beats escaping with alcohol or drugs!).
Sitting down to write this blog helped somewhat. Maybe it's just the idea of a remote possibility of helping someone that made me feel better. Whatever the case, I'll have to remember that because it sure beats curling up into a ball and not accomplishing anything.

Why Not?

  I wish I could be so bold to say that anyone who goes through a transition and growth period in his or her life MUST experience certain things. I can only speak from my own experience but it certainly makes logical sense the everyone goes through certain steps.

  It's amazing to think how far I have come and still see how far I need to go. Since last Thursday, it seems challenges have been coming my way faster than before. Certain insights about me are becoming more glaring. The interesting thing is that just about every issue that becomes a major factor and need for change, at one time or another in the past, I made myself aware of it. I just didn't want to recognize the severity of the problem or  in some cases, convince myself it wasn't a problem.

  Up to now, I have been somewhat vague with the details of the issues. Having them out here in cyberspace, it makes you feel almost naked. However, there is good news. Putting them out here, in print, in cyberspace, it tells the world, so to speak, of your issues and you either do something about them or not. Why not do something about them. Really. What does one have to lose? There is so much more to gain.

  You know what that means; time for me to be a little more forthcoming on some of these challenging issues I've had to face.

One Day At a Time

I have grown to typically despise trite sayings and especially phrases people use to "nutshell"  particular situations. Take for instance the title of this post; "One Day At a Time". It fits into the category of trite phrases but this one has particular meaning to me (which I will touch on in a bit).
Not being much of a rebel in my youth, I act at my rebellion in a strange way and that is by playing Devil's advocate. Especially when I hear these "catch all" phrases. My mind immediately tries to figure out or invent  situations that will contradict that particular phrase. (Ok, not quite as exciting as sneaking out of a window at night, but it will do for now).
However, "one day at a time:, especially for me, is very appropriate. There are times when I feel immensely successful for days or even weeks. There are other times where I get discouraged and/or depressed. Hence, one day at a time is very appropriate.
The key to being happy is allowing yourself to be okay when you are a little depressed or discouraged. It happens to everyone. It is one of those little things we can't avoid unless for some reason, you are not a member of the human race. Accept that it is okay for you to feel that way AND get some positive help from a friend. That seems to be one of the best ways to get out of that slump of depression or discouragement.
It is certainly much easier said than done, however take it a day at a time (Did I say that?) It helps.

What's the problem?

For a person to want to change, first of all he or she has to want to change. There is no need for change if there is no idea that there is a problem (hence the expression, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it). In my case, I really wanted to change. There was a need and a desire for change. My biggest problem was I didn't know what the problem was. How could I possibly change if I wasn't aware of what to change?
Ok, the truth of the matter is that down deep inside, I had an idea of what the problem was but I didn't want to admit it. There is no way that after 20 years, these particular types of feelings could be true. How could I have been that kind of a person? There must be some other issues that are (or were) the cause.
When I am honest with myself, I can remember having certain thoughts that weren't very positive about my marriage. I kept denying them saying to myself it wasn't so. Realizing these issues DO exist is not easy to accept. It takes a lot of soul searching, introspection and a desire to change to accept that you really were that way.
It also is a TREMENDOUS aid to have a skilled professional help clarify the issues. Someone who will help point out things in your life. Ultimately you will need to decide if they are true. However, years and years of convincing yourself they were not a problem, will hide and cloud these issues and make them extremely difficult to come out and accept.

A New Beginning - Understanding Yourself

How many times have you heard the phrase - or something similar to it - "Just be yourself". Allow me to expand some and add a few more catch phrases. "You have to love yourself before you can love others". "Only you know what you really want". "It doesn't matter what everyone else does, do what you want". There are plenty more and feel free to add some into the comments.

Many times when you have an opportunity to "be yourself", there is something that constrains or tempers how far you can go. If you really enjoy walking around in your house with no clothes on and that is "who you are", there are laws  that prohibit you from doing so. In and of itself, there is nothing inherently wrong with striding around in the buff. If there really were something "wrong" with it, then we wouldn't shower naked. 

The point of this example is to explain how certain things or events change are actions; they sometimes change who we are at that moment. Now imagine that a person has constructed a HUGE list of laws, regulations and rules. They are all self imposed and based on how he or she thinks others expect them to live (be or act). This is what I touched on yesterday. Without really sitting down and contriving this list, I did it as my way of being. I reasoned as best I could, these rules on which to base my life. The rules ruled over my emotions and my thoughts. For me, it didn't matter how I felt or what I thought. My intention was, through these rules, to figure out how I supposed others wanted me to act (feel, think, believe so on)

It's important to remember that I didn't consciously sit down and make this list. It evolved over time. Some through my own conjecture and some by doing the wrong thing, paying the consequences and adjusting my rules. Now try and imagine that anytime you didn't act the way you should, you were in danger of going to Hell. That adds a WHOLE new dimension, doesn't it? 

A New Beginning 

At my age, most people have had an idea what they like. What is it that they enjoy and what really makes them happy. At least I say, most "normal' people know.Of course, "normal" is a relative term and if it comes down to it, there is no one "normal" person, however, being "yourself" typically is not the issue.
However, try spending ninety percent of your life trying to be someone that you think someone else expects you to be. That is a tough one. Revisit that sentence again: trying to be someone that YOU THINK - this is the real difference - that SOMEONE ELSE expects you to be.
People aren't handing a a book and saying, "This is how you should be". You are thinking, "I believe this is how they want be to be". So when it is revealed to you that you are incorrect, you go about wondering again how you should be.
If that isn't already complicated enough, add to it not only who you are supposed to be, but how you should act, feel, think and believe. Being this way is your ticket to heaven!
It is quite a fascinating predicament. How you are to (1) Be, (2) Act, (3) Feel, (4) Think, (5) Believe. It's easy to see now why you never are yourself and can get lost in trying to find who you are.
As I understand blogging a little better, these posts will be more fun to read but there are two objectives here. One is to see first hand, a person discovering himself for the very first time and living the process with him. The other is that it will help a reader realize there is much he or she has been missing and help discover life as well.
I have been given a great gift; and that is to have an opportunity to discover who I am. Sure most people live a life being themselves but do they really ever get a chance at really knowing who they are? Having a deeper and more intimate relationship with their spirituality and emotional self. This is where my journey, at age 53, began.