I know how William Wallace feels

In the movie "Bravehart" during the scene in which William Wallace is put to death, Mel Gibson portrays his final moments with many difficult emotions. But the final word - as the sword comes down upon his neck - he shouts is FREEDOM! That is exactly how I felt today. 

No doubt I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past months. Being a typically positive person, I can convince myself that even when things are tough, it's always for my growth and good. I have to admit, these last few weeks have been difficult and yesterday, I attended a seminar which at the end, I could feel a sense of a great change coming. This feeling was somewhat exciting but the excitement was overshadowed by the fear and anxiety. 

Today I had another session with Shannon and as always, it starts off with me talking about some of the insights I had seen since the last session. The conversation circled around to the shame under which I grew up most of my life.  The previous week, we had talked about certain events that happened in my life and how I was made to feel ashamed when it wasn't deserved in the least. I had reviewed that tape several times since that session and  spent a lot of time "kicking" those times around. (Kicking or putting it in the can and kicking it around is a term he uses to get me to think and ponder about things) However, in today's session, it was revealed to me that my shame which I had suffered most of my life was a filter by which I viewed everything first. Shame is one of the most difficult feelings to overcome. Not only does it leave you with hardly any self confidence, it creates a filter, as it were or a system by which one process just about everything he or she sees or perceives. Those with a shame-based thinking use that way of thinking to interpret just about everything in their life. Because shame will tell you that you are not worthy, everything goes through that filter and many times, we sabotage ourselves or that filter will convince us to sabotage ourselves to fulfill it's prophecy.of degradation.

Sometime, near the end of my session, I realized that my shame filter was the cause of everything negative in my life and now that I finally see it, I can see the first step to my healing is finally on its way.

I just want to go out on the mountaintop and shout FREEDOM!

Rage against the injustice

Let's face it. We all get angry at times and during that time of anger, we don't question being angry. Our emotions take over and anger is displayed. Right now, I don't want to talk about the different levels of HOW they are displayed, I want to talk about what happens when the anger is over. Many don't like the fact that we get angry. It shows a side of ourselves that can be ugly and one we don't like showing.
I for one, am not so sure that should be the case.
Strange, isn't it? We are taught that showing anger is not good behavior. It shows things about us that we don't want shown. However, I think that is a good thing. I think there are MANY things in our lives that we don't want shown and we don't want to visit them. I had this same experience.
When I wrote the poem - displayed a few posts back - I was up at Mt. Charleston doing a lot of soul searching and introspection. One of the things my therapist asked me to do was to  revisit my childhood and go back think about some of these times when I was made to feel shameful. It was hard for me to remember MANY occasions when this occurred. But I didn't want to spend a lot of time thinking about them. They weren't happy times and I thought I had worked past them. In the session following my trip to the mountain, I asked my therapist why it was important to visit these events. Can't I just see them for what they were then accept the fact that there is nothing I can do about them now and as I said in my poem, just "dismiss them"?
What transpired next was very interesting. My therapist began asking me questions.  I told him a story about an event that happened in the summer before ninth grade. This particular event, I feel, ruined any chances for me to be a leader in high school. (This may sound odd that one event could do that but I will need to explain that in several posts which will happen in the future.) As I told the story, I got louder and louder and there was definitely anger in my voice. When I finished, my therapist pointed out to me how angry I was and that was important. Growing up, I was not able to express my anger at any injustice. I was not even able to express anything that I felt was wrong. I was taught that suppressing it was right. However, along with that came confusion because when you think you are doing the right thing but then you get punished for doing it, what else can happen but confusion?
So why is this anger good? It shows a side of me that I don't like seeing. How could that be good? We will tackle that in my next post.

When anger is good

As I journey through my healing process, sometimes I make assumptions about things and I don't always know that it's true. Coming from a mind set of always seeking the right thing to do from someone else, I find myself wanting to discover answers for myself. Even if I make the wrong assumptions in the beginning, -I- want to make that discovery and if I find that I am wrong, I will change the answer.
Lately, I have gotten very angry when I think about incidents in my life where I was made to feel ashamed of myself and I should have never been made to feel that way. There is one particular instance where I felt that I did the right thing yet still, I was not only chastised  for it. Let me explain.
We were at Summer Camp and there was a large room, very similar to a locker room where we took showers. I was in there with other friends and for some reason, which I cannot remember, I started singing "Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match", from Fiddler on the Roof. So my friend handed me a match which he had in his pocket. The floor was wet so I rubbed the match head on the floor to render the match harmless. I struck it and to my surprise it lit so I walked over to the sink, turned the water on and put it out. Well, someone told on me and the next day, I got REAMED. What was I trying to do, burn down the forest? (Mind you, nothing was said to the boy who had the match). I was very confused because the man who was reaming me, I thought he was the oracle of God and every word out of his mouth came straight from God. I was confused. I must have been in the wrong, how could I have done such a thing.
Shame and confusion. I look back at that now and get very angry. I feel like that incident was the beginning of what was to be my demise, so to speak throughout high school. I was always a leader and my peers respected me. That was not to be during high school.
There will be other stories like these but these make me angry. So what is good about this anger? When you can see how this effected you, you can make sure that this type of behavior does not reoccur - at least in you. I don't want to remain angry. I don't want this to be a stumbling block that I cannot get over and cause me additional grief. All of this anger has helped me not be so passive about the way I am treated. It helps me stand up for myself and what I believe in. There very well may be more but as for now, that's my story and I"m sticking to it.

The Healing Process

After my trip on Saturday to Mt. Charleston, I did not want to wait long to share the experience with my therapist. My meeting was on Monday.
We talked about the experience and some difficulties I had the day before and after about 15 minutes, I asked him, Why is it important to see where all of the shame comes from?
Before I answer that, I want to share one thought first. I have been to two therapists and my first experience was not very good. However, my second one seems to me, miraculous. So when things open up for me, is he just really good, lucky or a little bit of both? Here's why.
He didn't answer my question directly. What he did was ask me questions about the shame and hurt. Questions were asked about particular instances (which I will go over in another post) and how that made me feel. My answers soon became louder and I was agitated. Especially when I saw how limiting they were to me, who I was and my possibilities.
My question was answered alright. But I had to "experience" the answer, as it were, rather than have it be explained. It certainly was much more effective. My conclusion was this: if one has a sore or cut on the leg but does not know that it's there, proper treatment won't be applied. The sore continues to get worse. Once it is discovered, treatment can be applied so it can begin to heal.
My healing process definitely started before last Monday and now I can understand why I need to see where and what was the basis of all this hurt.

A Poem

On Saturday, I spent the day at Mount Charleston which - believe it or not - is a ski resort outside of Las Vegas. I went there to reflect on my life and some issues I have been discussing with my therapist. Having the whole day by yourself can be nearly difficult to deal with, just simply you and your thoughts. While I was there, I wrote a poem that reflected one of my big struggles. The poem is below. It usually takes me a while to write a poem of this length but the inspiration was well overdue and the final outcome helped me sort things through. I would like your comments: The tree I am talking about is at the bottom.

The Mountain

I took a glance at this lonely tree

And when I looked closely, what did I see?

Its bark had withered, its branches the same

But it still grew tall because it had no shame

What did it do to be shameful about?

It caused no harm nor created any doubt

Its purpose in life was clearly to be

Simply one thing; a beautiful tree

It stood there proudly on the cold mountain top

Without ever wondering if anything would make it stop

For how long it was there I had no way to know

And for how long, it would continue to grow

As long as it had purpose in life to be

And I felt at that moment, the same as the tree

There’s no reason (at all) to continue with shame

I wasn’t born in this world with doubt or blame

Somewhere in my journey, I learned how to add

Blame, guilt, sabotage and that I was bad

After these long years of blame and self-doubt

Now is the time to realize I can live, truly live without

All of these notions I’m not worthy enough

That hinder my way and make my journey tough

So the time is now to look at myself plainly

And realize I’m worthy to live life more sainly

Get out from the past, move forward right now

Put away all blame with a solemn vow

I choose from this day that when I do have a choice

I will take the step and speak with stern voice

And not let others or circumstanced provide

The answers to life which I will now decide

When guilt or shame tries to rear its ugly head

I will dismiss it quite firmly as though it were dead

I am worthy of great things to come

I will gladly accept wherever they’re from

What life has to give me and what’s still in store

I am now worthy and open for more

For the last time I gaze at that tree

Wondering now what life has for me

With a tear in my eye and a big smile on my face

I will live to my fullest touched by the tree’s grace

The Opponent

Sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. As I continue with my own self-discovery and my commitment to be more open on this blog, I once again report some very personal things in this post.Today I helped my son by cosigning for him on a credit application. We were texting back and forth and here is some of our conversation. It starts off with my son giving me the good news.

Son: Got approved, thank you so much

Me: Awesome

Son: You are a life saver

Me: Isn't that what dads are supposed to do? At least now I’m in a position where I can help and glad to.

Son: Seriously, I can’t thank you enough. I am overwhelmed right now.

Me: It’s okay, I wish I could have been more overwhelming so to speak when you guys were younger.

Son: Man, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You were everything to us.

 Last week at my therapy session, we were discussing personal intimacy. At first I was perplexed and after I was asked about how I feel about myself, I commented I am very hard on myself. My therapist replied, "you are BRUTAL on yourself"

This has been a really, really odd, strange and enlightening week. Most of the time, I have been down but I think it’s the fact that I am seeing and learning so much about myself. I really am brutal on myself and don’t even see to the smallest extent how much. I am convinced that is why I am not as successful financially as I could be because I am not only beating myself up, but telling myself I am not worthy and proving it by sabotaging myself in ways that I don’t even see.

This Saturday, I am spending the day at Mt. Charleston. It will be a day of introspection. I am going to take my notebook (recorder) and a pad of paper. I want to really discover why I am so brutal on myself. I am pretty sure I can see when it all started but what I’m not sure of is how to break the cycle. I feel like asking my therapist for help but I really believe that the answer is buried deep inside me and the best way for me to break the cycle is to find that answer myself. I know it’s there and I know that will be the beginning of success for me, not just financial but in every aspect of my intimate relationships.

I will be listening to my last session, writing down questions and thinking deeply about the answers. I have already written one page of notes; mainly the questions that I need to answer, because there are more questions than why am I so brutal on myself.

I am excited and somewhat scared for this Saturday. I must face it head on or revert back to the ways of default John and accept that way of life. Okay, that won’t happen.  

When the Going gets tough

Even when you have everyone on your side and you set your mind to be positive, there are difficult times. Typically, once you get through them, you can always look back and see the situation much more clearly than when you went through it, however that's the time you need to be strong. When you are going through it. Those are the times when badly thought out decisions are made.
Playing arm-chair quarter back or looking back at the situation is always easier. Making the tough decision or the decision that will help you succeed - especially when you are clouded by challenging and emotionally disturbing thoughts - that is exactly when you need to be tough and make the well-thought out choice.
I told you I was going to be a little more personal with these posts so I might as well start now. Today started out fine but it always seems to end up rough at the end of the day. I am home alone, save for my three cats and have work to finish up. There was an event that I didn't go to tonight because I had to finish my work.
Just before sitting down to write this post, I was really feeling distraught and wanted to just shut everything down, brush my teeth and go to bed. For me, when I am depressed, I tend to get sleepy. I think it is an escape mechanism for me (sure beats escaping with alcohol or drugs!).
Sitting down to write this blog helped somewhat. Maybe it's just the idea of a remote possibility of helping someone that made me feel better. Whatever the case, I'll have to remember that because it sure beats curling up into a ball and not accomplishing anything.